Post #3: The Power of Friendship

The Grief

In my last post, I talked about how Jacob’s autism diagnosis was our entrance into the wilderness. I described it as if “a mysterious dark hand reached into his body and slowly started pulling him out. Then eventually, it was dark. There was a deep distance in his eyes, hardly any language left, and no acknowledgement of people around him.”  Watching autism happen to Jacob was the equivalent of a near-death experience for me; except I didn’t have any physical injuries.  My damage, on the other hand, was emotional…psychological…spiritual. I had been shaken and shattered.  Amy….the girl who once stood tall with a cheery disposition, quick wit, flourishing career, and big faith was now…barely breathing. I felt guilty mourning Jacob’s loss.  After all, the outside world would look at me and Jacob and see two normal people. I had no physical signs of trauma, and Jacob was still participating in so many regular things; eating chicken nuggets, swimming, and drinking chocolate milk while watching Dora the Explorer.  How could anyone possibly understand what I was going through – grieving the loss of my child when he was sitting right beside me? But I did, and it was unbearable.

There was a decent amount of time, maybe 3 or 4 months, when I cried every single day.  My ironclad memory was wiped away, and I became forgetful and distracted.  Whenever I wasn’t forced to be “on,” I retreated into myself.  I certainly didn’t pray any more. I didn’t know what to say to God other than “Why? Why? Why?”  The most self-destructive thing I did was torture myself through bargaining.  Was it bad genes, the environment, or vaccines that could have caused it?  Did I do this to him?  Was I the one to blame since I was well into my second trimester when I learned that I was expecting Jacob? Over and over and over again I would torment myself.

And just when I’d hit the lowest point, our little army started showing up – our heroic family and friends.  They were certainly a force to be reckoned with!  They surrounded us to defend, protect, advise and support…and to help us through the wilderness.

The Power of Friendship

“Friendship is unnecessary, like philosophy, like art…It has no survival value; rather it is one of those things that give value to survival.” C.S. Lewis

I have somehow managed to enter into relationships with some of God’s absolute finest even though there is nothing extraordinary about me to reciprocate! Those closest to us saw our struggles, and in Weekend at Bernie’s fashion, they took our arms, threw them over their shoulders, and made certain that we remained standing.  We cherish their unwavering commitment to keep us afloat, their willingness to burden our obstacles, and their insistence that we squeeze as much goodness out of life that was humanly possible.  We also have friends who have endured tragedies of their own, and through the will of God, have not realized what a steadfast light unto our feet and a lamp onto our path they have been for us through our journey.

 Therefore, this post is dedicated to the power of friendships! I’ve picked just a few stories out of our entire army of stories to highlight in this post…

A Lock on the Door

There were several years when Dave and I didn’t do things together very often. Our closest family member lived more than seven hours away, and without any neighbors or single friends available to babysit, it wasn’t easy for us to do much together as a couple.  We took turns staying with Jacob while the other one ran errands, met up with friends, etc.  Additionally, Jacob’s behavior was so unpredictable that we couldn’t take him to movies or restaurants.  If we left the house with Jake, Dave and I would develop the best defensive strategy for the occasion– usually man-on-man coverage or a zone defense. Leaving him with the cashier or the hostess didn’t seem to be a viable option. 

Our friends Brian and Kelly knew how badly we needed respite.  They not only babysat so that we could go on dates, but they offered to keep Jacob overnight several times too.  I can’t tell you how HUGE this was for us.  One night we went to Brian and Kelly’s to drop off Jacob for an overnight stay and found out that they had installed a lock on the inside of their front door to ensure that Jacob couldn’t get out.

Who does that?  Who takes time out of their own busy schedule to go to the hardware store, buy a lock, install it on their own front door just to safeguard THEIR home so that their best friend’s child remains inside while visiting?  Well, Brian and Kelly do. They did it for our sweet Jacob, which meant the world to us.

Galatians 6:2 says, “Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ.”

The silver lock that Brian and Kelly installed on their door

The Note

One day after school years ago, I found a note in Jacob’s backpack written by the mother of one of Jacob’s classmates, Braydi. I had seen sweet little Braydi at school, but I didn’t know her mother Lori who had written the note.  The note served as a simple introduction to see if we could get our kids together for a play date. Braydi had autism just like Jacob.

I can’t recall what we did on our first outing with the kids because there have been so many since that day.  I have grown very close to Lori. We have gripped tightly onto one another to talk, vent, laugh, cry, brainstorm, research, and pray. Lori encouraged me to attend the church that I now adore so much.  She’s provided me guidance and insight to new therapies and opportunities that might benefit Jacob.  She makes me laugh so hard that it hurts.

What’s extraordinary here is not just that two women formed a bond over a similar struggle. What Lori doesn’t know is how brightly her light shines at my feet to walk forward without fear.  Autism wasn’t Lori’s first wilderness and heartbreak either.  She was married 6 weeks when her first husband Kevin, a dedicated and highly respected Dallas police officer, was killed in the line of duty. Years later after her horrific loss, Lori found love again with Derek and had beautiful Braydi!

Lori’s resilience to carry on so gracefully is awe-inspiring to me.  She has conquered demons and glorifies God for his mercies and his grace.  I’m so grateful she heard God’s whisper in her heart to write me the note that day! What a blessing her friendship has been.

JAMES 1: 2-4, 12

Verses 2-4: Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.

Verse 12:  Blessed is the one who perseveres under trial because, having stood the test, that person will receive the crown of life that the Lord has promised to those who love him.

     

 Lori, Amy and Phil Parham (Biggest Loser contestents) and Me.
We all have children on the Autism Spectrum.

Dear Lori,
Thanks for sending me a note.
Love, Amy

 

Sha-Kyra, RG and JWow. A group of friends that had the ability to make me laugh in the midst of all the tears (special thanks to Napolean Dynamite and Antoine Dodson for providing good material). These friends did the heavy lifting of "listenting." 

Paul, Angie and Avery Akeman. When Avery's initial 3 day hospital stay turned into 149 days with many more struggles to come, you stood strong in your faith and have inspired so many others.  Thank you for encouraging me, praying for Jacob, and helping me to keep my eyes focused on Him. 

Hudson Akin (Ball State University bigwig and super nice guy).  Thank you for standing arm and arm with me to fight and change the insurance coverage for children with autism.  Every family utilizing CMC insurance can now rest assured  that autism therapies for their children will now be covered.  We made a difference.  

Priscilla Shirer, founder of Going Beyond Ministries, says that you are either approaching a wilderness, in the wilderness, or you've just come out of the wilderness.

So, whatever season you are in, grip tight onto your friendships! With a genuine and sincere heart, help friends suffering through their wilderness. If you hear the whisper to reach out to them, do it without hesitation.  And, if you are the one suffering, lean into your friends and let them help you heal.